The Sickness
by Draco the Lizard
Summary: Jack gets sick, and Janet doesn't know what's wrong. So she gets the best diagnostician to help her. Crossover with House MD, no pairings at ALL.


Disclaimer: I own NOTHING. NOTHING.

Jack was feeling quite pleased with this mission. Well, it wasn't so much a mission as a formal rounding up of a diplomatic treaty, which Daniel had spent weeks on with some of the SGC's other diplomats. And since SG-1 had been the first team to establish contact, they had been the team invited to the celebratory dinner.

The dinner itself had been quite good. The people of Kandara certainly knew how to cook, and their non-alcoholic drinks – it was forbidden to have any alcohol on missions – were delicious as well. Jack had joked that they should've made the recipes part of the trade agreement, and one of the chiefs had promised to send them a cask of a particularly fine fruity drink next time they made contact.

It had been a cheerful goodbye as SG-1 had left through the Stargate to report to General Hammond. Since it was already seven in the evening on Earth, Jack was hoping the General wouldn't want a full report until the next morning. He liked the thought of having a nice, quiet evening to himself. Watch some hockey, have a beer, that sort of thing.

-x-x-

"SG-1, welcome back," General Hammond greeted them.

Jack gave him a salute. "Glad to be back, sir."

"I take it the mission went well?"

"Very well, sir," Jack replied, with a grin. "Those folks really know how to cook."

The general nodded. "I'm glad to hear it. I expect to hear a full report tomorrow morning at 0900."

Jack nodded, and motioned for his team to join him to Doc Fraiser's clutches, although, considering the mission they had just had, she might go easy on the rigorous checking for signs of Goa'uld larvae.

The gleam in her eyes told Jack that she wouldn't. Oh well.

-x-x-

He had a beer with his peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and then another beer to go with his beer omelette. It wasn't exactly a proper meal, but he thought he had got his fair share of vitamins and healthy things from the feast earlier that day, and now all he really wanted was to get a good night's sleep before telling the general all about it tomorrow.

-x-x-

That night he woke up a few times from some cramps in his stomach. Damn alien food. He hoped Daniel and Carter were feeling crap as well.

-x-x-

He arrived at the meeting last, and Daniel and Sam were both looking distinctly uncrappy. Damn them. He gulped some more coffee down, hoping that would help him feel more awake.

The meeting itself went fine, and Daniel informed the general of the finalised details of the trading arrangement and when the first shipments of medicine should be going out, and when they should be expecting first shipments of naquadah from off-world.

Jack, however, was beginning to feel worse. The cramps from last night were returning, but now they were even worse. He was also feeling a bit woozy, and his vision was getting blurry. He blinked, and frowned. This didn't feel right.

-x-x-

"Colonel O'Neill?"

He woke up in the infirmary, with Dr. Fraiser shining an annoying penlight in his eyes. "I'm fine!" he snapped.

"I don't think so, Colonel," the doctor replied, putting a hand on his arm to make sure he stayed down. "You just blacked out during a meeting with the General, remember?"

"Yes," Jack replied. "I remember."

"Then you'll agree with me that you are not fine. I want to take some blood samples, and keep you here for a few more hours," she told him.

"Rest of the team?" he asked. "Are they fine?"

"They're all in perfect health, Colonel. Now, it might just be the flu, but we still need to take precautions."

-x-x-

It wasn't the flu. And it wasn't any of Fraiser's other ideas either, and Jack knew the doctor was growing steadily more worried, even if she didn't show it to him.

-x-x-

House never liked being called to Cuddy's office. It interfered in his busy schedule of healing people while annoying them at the same time, and annoying Cuddy was something he could do whenever he damn well pleased, whereas annoying people who weren't Cuddy could only be done on specific times. He was missing a great opportunity to annoy Chase and his crossword right now. He had planned on looking over Chase's shoulder and pointing out all the clues he had got wrong.

"House, God knows why the Air Force wants you to take a look at one of their officers, but they asked for you, and I said you would do it. You're going, whether you like it or not," Cuddy told him sternly.

"I don't think the Air Force is really my scene. Just send Chase and tell them he's me. I bet he'll like all those men in their strapping uniforms." House got up to leave.

"House, the officer is sick. He's almost dying. And they don't know what's going on. They asked for you because you're one of the best diagnosticians out there," Cuddy told him.

"I thought people in the Air Force died all the time without the Air Force itself knowing how that possibly could've happened? What makes this one such a special little snowflake?" House asked.

"Apparently he's part of some top secret Air Force project, and no doubt they'll demand you sign quite a lot of forms to make sure you don't tell anyone. They've already arranged transportation for you," Cuddy said. "Just go, please."

"You know, I think this is all an elaborate scheme to be rid of me for a few days." House leaned over. "Right?"

Cuddy just glared at him. "Just leave."

"Fine. But I'm taking my staff with me!" House walked out of the office, briefly wondering how dangerous it would be to greatly annoy an Air Force officer.

-x-x-

Jack was surprised to find a stranger walk into the infirmary with Dr. Fraiser. He didn't think the scruffy man with the cane was the miracle doctor Fraiser had told him about, but apparently he was. "Hello," he said.

"Hello. So, you're sick?" the man asked.

"It would seem so," Jack replied. "Any idea what it is yet?" He was getting bored and annoyed with being sick. All Fraiser had been able to conclude was that it wasn't contagious, which was the only reason he wasn't in an isolated ward.

"Fever, stomach cramps, dizziness and black outs, could be anything," Dr. House replied.

"Thank you for those words of comfort, doc," Jack told him, with gritted teeth, as the stomach was playing up again. That was always followed by the woozy feeling and the dizziness, and of lately that had got worse.

House shrugged. "I've got a way with people." And with that, he left the ward.

Fraiser smiled reassuringly at Jack. "He really is one of the best, Colonel. I'm sure you'll be out of here in no time."

-x-x-

House had commandeered an unused office on the same floor as the infirmary as a temporary office for himself, and had also harassed people into getting him a whiteboard and markers.

"Right, stomach cramps, followed by feelings of dizziness, blurry vision and black outs." House wrote this down. "Any ideas?"

"The stomach cramps and the fever sound like regular food poisoning to me," Chase said.

"Any ideas that aren't obvious and stupid," House replied pointedly.

"The General said they returned yesterday from a mission in a foreign country, maybe he picked something up there," Cameron suggested.

"And you think the Air Force doctors wouldn't have thought of that? Cameron, you disappoint me with your little faith in our country's intelligence," House sighed, and sat down.

"His other team members aren't sick, so maybe we need to look into what the Colonel did differently," Foreman said.

House nodded. "Fair enough. Let's go and find them."

-x-x-

Finding the other three team members hadn't been too difficult, as they were all in the cafeteria, quietly talking amongst themselves. When House and his team approached their table, he coughed loudly. "SG-1?" he asked.

The blonde woman looked up. "Yes. And you are?"

"Doctor House. These are my slaves," he said, with a nod at Cameron, Chase and Foreman, who rolled his eyes at the statement.

"You must break free from your master," the rather imposing black man said gravely. "You should live free."

"We're not really his slaves," Cameron hastened to clarify.

"He just thinks we are," Chase added.

"But we're qualified doctors in our right," Foreman said. "Your Colonel is in good hands."

The three at the table looked like they doubted it. 

"We were just wondering if the Colonel has done anything different from the three of you. You all went to the same place, and none of you are sick, so there must be something," Cameron said.

"You mean they aren't sick yet," House interjected. "Don't worry, guys, your turn might still come."

The blonde woman just stared at him. "I – I don't think he did anything we didn't do. We all had the same meal, and the same drinks. We checked with the locals, and none of them are feeling sick."

House just nodded. "Right. Well, if I have any more questions, my interns'll come for you."

-x-x-

Outside the cafeteria, House stopped and turned to face his team. "Cameron, you ask the Captain about it, Chase, go after the linguist and Foreman, you bond with your brother from da hood. They're keeping something from us, and I want to know what it is."

"What are you going to do?" Chase asked.

"Me? I'm going to find the recreation room," House said, and walked away.

-x-x-

Cameron had some trouble finding Captain Carter's lab. All the hallways in this facility looked the same, and there were no signs like in the hospital. There were only some coloured lines on the ground, and Cameron assumed those led to important things like emergency exits, and not to someone's lab.

She had eventually found it, and knocked on the open door. "Hello? Captain Carter?"

Captain Carter was busy welding some kind of machine, and Cameron raised her voice to attract her attention. The Captain turned the welding rod off, and raised the protective hood. "Can I help you?" she asked.

"Actually, yes, I had some further questions regarding Colonel O'Neill," Cameron said, holding up the clipboard she brought. "Just to help us find what caused it."

The Captain nodded. "Right, I'll just clear this away for a moment." She put her tools away, and cleared chairs for herself and Cameron. "What do you want to know?"

"Was Colonel O'Neill in good health before you went on this mission? Did he complain about anything?"

"Doctor Fraiser gave him the all-clear," Carter said. "And he didn't complain any more than usual."

"Was there any way he could've caught something while you were abroad? From food, drink, anything else?"

Carter shrugged. "I suppose there's always the possibility, but trust me, he's aware of the risks of eating foreign food, and he only ate what the rest of us ate and drank as well. We've had no reports of the indigenous people being sick."

Cameron nodded. "But were you with him at all times?"

"Well, no," Carter answered. "Obviously I didn't join him in the toilets, but I think Teal'c and Daniel would be able to answer that better."

Cameron scribbled that down. She didn't know anything about the state of the bathroom in whatever country the team had been, but toilets never were the most hygienic of places. "Right. Well, we do need to know as much about the place you were as possible, to see if it has anything to do with Colonel O'Neill's sickness."

Captain Carter nodded, and started telling her as much as she could.

-x-x-

Chase knocked on the door of Doctor Jackson's office, and got a 'come in!' as a reply. He opened the door, and found the place filled with strange-looking artefacts, notes, and piles of books. "Hello, I'm Doctor Chase," he said.

Doctor Jackson nodded. "I know. Call me Daniel. You're Australian, aren't you?"

"Yes," Chase said, not quite knowing what that had to do with anything. "Why?"

"Oh? Hmm, nothing. Just not an accent you hear a lot around here. What can I do to help you with Jack? I assume you're here to ask me questions about him," Daniel replied.

Chase grabbed a chair that wasn't filled with notes, and sat down. "We just need to know the usual things, if he showed any signs of being ill before going abroad, and if you noticed him eating, drinking or doing anything that might've caused this while abroad."

Daniel shook his head. "He never ate or drank anything we hadn't had before. He's become very wary of, er, foreign food. Had a kind of bad experience with it before." He smiled. "So I doubt it's the food or drink, because the rest of us are fine."

"As are the locals?" Chase asked, wanting to verify.

Daniel nodded. "Oh yes, General Hammond spoke to them this morning, and they don't know what might've caused it. As you can imagine, they're not very happy with how things turned out, considering how it was supposed to be a feast to celebrate the trading agreement between our two, er, people."

Chase wondered what the U.S. could want from people who lived in some desolate country in the middle of nowhere, but decided that it was probably top secret, and he wouldn't get a straight answer if he asked. "You know, it might be helpful if we could somehow get some samples of the food and drinks, if only to rule out the possibility."

"Hmm, yes, I see your point." Daniel frowned. "It might be difficult to get some samples for you, but I'll see what I can do."

-x-x-

The door was opened by the imposing man. Foreman tried to look friendly, but the other man looked at him stonily. "Hello, I'm Doctor Eric Foreman. I've come to ask you some questions about Colonel O'Neill."

The man nodded, and moved to let him into his room.

Foreman looked around at all the candles, and wondered what usually went on in here. "Right, Mister, er,"

"You may call me Teal'c."

Foreman nodded. "Very well, Teal'c." He wondered where the man came from; he didn't know of any African tribe who put golden tattoos on their forehead.

Teal'c sat on a mat on the floor, and gestured for Foreman to join him. "What are your questions, Doctor Foreman?"

"Just some general ones, it shouldn't take too long," Foreman replied, shaking off the feeling that 'doctor' and 'Foreman' had been pronounced as one name. "First of all, I want to know if you noticed anything about the Colonel before you went abroad."

"O'Neill appeared to be in perfect health," Teal'c informed him.

Foreman nodded. "Okay, anything different about his behaviour? Even something small could help us."

Teal'c seemed to consider this for a moment. "His behaviour seemed normal to me."

"Did he seem less than healthy at any time during the feast? Did he have anything that could possibly be responsible for this?"

"O'Neill is very careful with food and drink he is not familiar with, as are we all. He seemed in perfect health at the feast. It was not until his collapse during the briefing two days ago that any of us noticed anything," Teal'c explained. "Although he drank more coffee than usual, but I do not think that was the cause of his collapse."

"No, probably not," Foreman agreed. The coffee pointed to a sleepless night, which meant that the sickness presumably had started during the night or the evening before. Maybe they should search for something in O'Neill's home, which would mean another break-in. Strange how quickly you got used to breaking into patients' houses.

-x-x-

"I think it's an infection from an unsanitary toilet."

"No, it has to be an allergic reaction to the food or drink, they're trying to get us some samples so we can do tests."

"Guys, he didn't show any signs until he was in his home, and everyone else is fine. It's got to be something from his house."

House was trying to watch the Bold and the Beautiful, or possibly it was As The World Turns. Either way, it was hard to watch with three interns arguing about which of their theories was correct. "All of you stop arguing, or you'll all go to bed without your dinners!" he said loudly.

The three looked at him, and were quiet.

"Good. Cameron, you find whoever's taking care of the food and drink samples, and get them to make sure we also get samples from the floor, walls, everything, in those toilets. Chase, Foreman, you get to break the law. Find out where Colonel O'Neill lives," he told them, before turning back to the television. "Oh, and you might want to find out if he owns a Rottweiler. Apparently they're vicious. And Chase, question the good Colonel before you leave. Maybe you should find out if he's vicious beforehand as well."

-x-x-

Sam stared at the doctor. "You want us to get samples from the toilets?"

Dr. Cameron shrugged. "They're not usually the most sanitary of places, it's entirely possible that the Colonel got his infection in this way."

"I suppose so," she replied, wondering how she was supposed to explain this to the chief of the Kandaran people. They were already annoyed at the request of food and drink samples, saying that it was like accusing them of poisoning the Colonel. If the SGC also insisted on a further look at the toilets, she didn't know what they would do. "I'll see what I can do," she promised. "Where are the other two doctors?"

"Oh, they're – they're conducting some tests," Dr. Cameron said, and smiled reassuringly.

-x-x-

Chase made his way to the bed, and saw the Colonel squint at him. "Daniel?"

"I'm Doctor Chase, Colonel," Chase said. "How are you feeling?"

"Damn lights are killing me, and my vision's obviously a bit blurry. Apart from that, not too bad." The Colonel shrugged. "I've had worse."

No doubt the Colonel had, and Chase sat down in the chair next to him. "Right, I just want to go through your last few days, see if there's anything in there that could give us a clue."

The Colonel didn't look too happy about that, but he obliged Chase anyway, although Chase suspected half the answers weren't really true. He didn't think this man had really gone to another planet and back in the last week, and added 'hallucinations?' to his notes.

-x-x-

"I can't believe this guy's in the Air Force and leaves his backdoor open," Chase said, after he and Foreman had walked around the house.

Foreman shrugged. "Forgetfulness could be a symptom. We won't know until we find more."

Chase wandered into the kitchen, as it often turned out to be a source of illness. "Let's see what our patient's dietary habits are," he said, opening the fridge.

Foreman checked some of the cupboards. "Not a lot of cooking equipment."

Chase opened the fridge door further, showing Foreman its contents. "I'm only surprised this guy didn't get ill before. It's filled with beer, microwaveable meals and eggs that're… ergh, definitely past their date."

"There's not much of help in here," Foreman said. "Some cleaning equipment, and a couple of pans. I'll check the living room."

Chase nodded as he threw the eggs in the trashcan in the kitchen, and noted that there were some empty beer cans in there as well. Clearly the Colonel liked his beer a lot, and Chase wondered if he was an alcoholic. Bad dietary habits, a stressful job, plenty of beer around… it was a possibility they would have to consider, although Chase wondered how one could keep alcoholism from an employer like the Air Force, especially considering that the people at Stargate Command seemed to get a lot of health checks.

-x-x-

House glared at Foreman and Chase. "So, what you're telling me is that you didn't find anything interesting?"

Chase shrugged. "Only what we told you. It looks like he's not at home very often, which would explain the rotten eggs."

"And the amount of microwaveable meals," Foreman added. "He hardly had any plants."

"He's single man," House told him. "We don't do plants. Unless they're plastic." He leaned back on the sofa in the recreation room. "What we have learned is that the difference probably isn't in what happened at that feast, although I still want to analyse the food and drink samples. Ask O'Neill's team-mates what they did the evening before that meeting. There has got to be a difference."

"And if there's not?" Cameron asked, slightly worried. "What then?"

"We start looking at genetics, and won't that be fun, boys and girls?" House grinned, and made shoo'ing movements at his interns. "Go away, I think Lassie is going to save Timmy from the well."

-x-x-

Cameron found Captain Carter sitting by the Colonel's bed. Dr. Fraiser had now hooked him up on an IV-drip, to battle the dehydration. "Hello."

Captain Carter nodded at her. "Do you know what's wrong with him yet?"

Cameron shook her head, and looked at the wincing figure in the bed. He had complained about lights being too bright, and had requested a pair of sunglasses rather than the lights being turned down. "Does he still have the headache?"

"Yes, he does," Colonel O'Neill said pointedly. "I'm not deaf."

"I'm sorry, I just thought you were asleep. I wanted to ask Captain Carter more questions," Cameron explained.

"Go ahead. Just don't let her get started on her technical doodads, I'll be dead before you guys figure out what's wrong with me," the Colonel said.

Cameron stared at Captain Carter, surprised at the man talking about his own life like that.

"The Colonel has a… special sense of humour," Captain Carter said, and smiled apologetically. "My lab?"

Cameron nodded, and followed the other woman out.

-x-x-

Cameron hadn't found anything unusual in Captain Carter's evening. She had eaten some Chinese take-out, and had basically spent the evening in her house, watching some television before going to bed.

"And you still have no idea what's wrong with the Colonel?" Captain Carter asked. "None at all?"

"Theories," Cameron said, "and none can be confirmed until we can do some tests, and we can't really do tests until we know what to look for."

"Or until you have samples," Carter said with a wry smile. "I'm sorry we haven't got those yet."

Cameron nodded. "I suppose it might take a while to get those samples here, considering they come from another country."

Captain Carter just nodded. "Oh, yes, one that's very far away. But I just worry about Colonel O'Neill's health. It's not like he has never been ill before, but Janet was always able to figure out by herself, she's never needed help before. And even Dr. House doesn't seem to know what's going on. You know, in a job like mine you expect to die out in the field, not in a bed from a mysterious illness. I don't think Colonel O'Neill expected he would die this way either."

"He's not going to die," Cameron reassured her, and thought Captain Carter's concern for the Colonel was rather personal. "I'm sorry, but – but is there anything between the two of you?"

Captain Carter's eyes grew wide. "No! No, not at all. Nothing, absolutely nothing."

Cameron nodded, and thought that had been a little too passionate for someone with no feelings for a superior.

-x-x-

Cuddy was quite immersed in the administrative work, and so didn't pick up the phone immediately. "Dr. Cuddy, Princeton Plainsboro Hospital."

"Ah, Dr. Cuddy," a Texan brawl replied. Cuddy wondered why General Hammond was calling her.

"General Hammond," she said. "How are things going?"

The General sighed. "The Colonel is still sick, and your miracle doctor is spending his time in the rec room watching television."

Cuddy winced. Of course House wouldn't be more polite or social with an Air Force General. "It's… his way, General. He has his interns gather information so he can study them at his leisure."

The General harrumphed. "And this strange tactic works?"

"Best diagnostic team in my hospital, strange as it sounds," Cuddy replied. "I'm not sure how, but they work."

General Hammond chuckled. "An unusual approach that works from a flagship team. Trust me, Dr. Cuddy, I have to deal with exactly the same thing myself. Being in charge isn't nearly as easy as some people think."

"Exactly," Cuddy agreed.

"I'll check in on the Colonel now, and I'll contact you if Dr. House has made his diagnosis, or some emergency arises," the General informed her.

Cuddy nodded, and after saying goodbye she hung up. She briefly thought of all the 'emergencies' that could arise from House being House in a building filled with people who had guns and knew how to use them, and hoped the Air Force had taught its people some self-restraint.

-x-x-

They were back in the unused office, with House scribbling on the whiteboard again, adding 'photosensitivity' to their list of symptoms. "Right, Cameron, you're doing the analysis of the food samples they've finally brought in, and see what that tells us. What have we found out from interviewing the other three team members?"

"Not much," Chase replied. "We know all four had perfectly normal evenings. They all stayed in, they all had take-out meals,"

"Except for Teal'c, he had soup in the cafeteria here," Foreman added.

"What kind of take-out?" House asked, intently staring at the whiteboard.

"Both Captain Carter and Doctor Jackson had Chinese," Cameron replied, clearly confused what that had to do with anything.

"And the Colonel?"

Chase and Foreman exchanged a glance. "Well, we didn't find any boxes in his trash," Chase said. "We don't really know what he had for dinner. He had frozen dinners, but it doesn't look like he had those either."

"Hmm," House said. "Probably made himself a sandwich then. And there was beer, right?"

Foreman nodded. "Couple of cans."

House hmm'ed again. "I think we need to focus on analysing the drinks, especially the kind that's fruity with lots of sugar."

Cameron frowned. "Why?"

House leaned on his case. "If it is what I think it is, it'll all become clear eventually, and if it's not what I think it is, well, I'll be wrong anyway, and it won't matter. Much. Now, go and analyse the drinks."

-x-x-

Dr. Fraiser was kind enough to let Chase, Cameron and Foreman have some lab space to analyse the various foods and drinks. "Y'know, this drink is rather strange," Chase remarked.

Cameron leaned over from her own analysis of a piece of fruit. "How so?"

"Well, it's the sugar, I think. It's not like any sugar I've seen before."

"How many sugars have you seen?" Foreman remarked. "It might be an unusual variant that just happens to be very common in the country it's from."

Chase shrugged. "It's the only thing that stood out, and House said to focus on the drinks."

"And what about this fruit?" Cameron asked, holding up a piece. "Have either of you ever seen anything like this? It's got a hard peel like an orange, but the inside is more like an apple. It's incredibly strange."

"Maybe they were trying to set up a trade agreement to import those fruits," Foreman said. "There's probably lots of fruits in this world we don't know of."

"I suppose," Cameron said, and continued to work on the fruit. "It's still strange. I wish they would just tell us where they had been."

Foreman shrugged. "Must be some sort of top secret government thing. At least it doesn't sound like they're going to war with the other country."

"As far as we know," Chase said. "I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't have an agreement with the other country at all and had just taken what they wanted."

"Government conspiracies again, Chase?"

"Why not? They're hardly going to tell the public, are they?"

"I doubt they'd be able to cover up something like that in this day and age," Cameron replied. "It'd get out eventually."

By this point, House had wandered in. "Trying to convince the others that there're aliens out there again, Chase? And that the government is covering it up? You're giving them too much credit." He leaned over Chase's shoulder. "What do we have here?"

"Weird sugar," Chase said. "And I'm not a conspiracy theorist."

House winked knowingly, and tapped the side of his nose. "Of course not, say no more." Then he pushed Chase aside and had a look at the sample under the microscope. "Very strange sugar indeed. I'm right."

"Good, maybe you can tell us what you're right about," Foreman said. "Is the sugar poisoning him somehow?"

"You could call it that," House replied. "Come on, people! Think of the symptoms! Stomach cramps, wooziness, blurry vision, black-outs, photosensitivity and he keeps requesting water!"

"He does?" Chase asked. "You never mentioned that. I thought the IV-drip was working."

House waved that away. "Well, it wasn't that important. I did tell you about the headaches and nausea, right?" He didn't wait for a reply. "Anyway, the answer's obvious."

Chase frowned, and Cameron and Foreman looked confused as well. "How?" she asked.

House sighed loudly. "Oh, come on, are you telling me you don't recognise the symptoms of the most common ailment in the world?"

"But it's not the common cold or the flu," Chase protested. Foreman and Cameron didn't look like they had the answer either.

"For the love of – it's a hangover, people!" House exclaimed. "The symptoms all match."

"But how would that work? We checked his blood, and there wasn't any alcohol in it," Cameron said, frowning.

"Have you checked recently?" House asked. "I suggest you do. Because if I'm right, the Colonel has become a distillery. And quite a fine one as well."

-x-x-

As everyone gathered around the Colonel, all but House were quite confused. "Are you saying I'm drunk and hung-over at the same time?" Colonel O'Neill asked. "Because I don't feel drunk."

"We suspect that it was something in the sugar," Cameron replied. "It must have combined with the yeast in the bread and beer you had recently to create a strange kind of alcohol."

"Hence the stomach cramps," Foreman added. "Your stomach was making the alcohol, and that's not something the stomach is designed to do."

"It also explains why we didn't find any alcohol in your blood," Chase explained. "We did them too early, when the process in your stomach wasn't completed, so there was no alcohol to detect yet. But a recent test shows that you've got some in there, even if it's not much."

"But why does he feel this bad, if there's not even that much alcohol in his system?" Captain Carter asked.

"Jack can usually handle his alcohol," Dr. Jackson added. "So what makes this so different? Simply the sugar?"

"Probably," Cameron replied. "The alcohol created wasn't like the alcohol we would normally find in beer or wine, it's slightly different. It's not uncommon for people to have an extreme reaction to small quantities of alcohol, although it's usually Asian people who can't handle the alcohol."

"So, if any of us had eaten something with yeast in yesterday, we would've had the same reaction?" Captain Carter asked. "

"It's highly likely," Foreman replied. "Although it's probably better if you didn't try." He smiled.

House had been standing next to the sick Colonel, and was waiting for the questions to stop. "Do they always want to know this much?" he asked, leaning down.

"This? This is nothing. You should see 'em when something really fascinates those two." The Colonel shook his head. "Can't get them to shut up. But where's the stomach pump? I hate being drunk without having the advantages."

"I do not think you should be drinking alcohol any time soon, O'Neill," Teal'c said gravely.

House eyed the imposing man for a moment. "Nice tattoo. Does it have to do with your less than wholesome past, even though you're completely reformed now?"

Teal'c raised an eyebrow at him. "How did you know?"

"Just a guess," House replied, with a glance at Foreman, who was raising an eyebrow at him in almost the same way as Teal'c.

A little while later, Dr. Fraiser ordered them all out of the way, since Colonel O'Neill needed to rest and he didn't need visitors while his stomach was being pumped.

-x-x-

Once Colonel O'Neill was recovering, the hints that House and his team should leave came, becoming less and less subtle as the hours went on. Eventually, they were summoned to General Hammond's office.

"Dr. House, I appreciate all you and your team have done for us. The SGC owes you a debt of gratitude, and I hope I'll never have to see you again," the man said with a chuckle. "Although unfortunately we may have to."

House nodded at the General. "I expect there's transport waiting for us outside?"

"First class, of course," the General said.

"And there're people outside this office to show us the way out?"

"It is a confusing complex we've got here, after all."

"Yes, wouldn't want us to barge in on top secret Air Force projects. How's that UFO coming along?" House asked.

The General's smile froze for a moment. "I think there's some kid in his parents' basement who knows a lot more about secret UFO projects than I do, Dr. House. Have a safe journey."

They left the office, and were met by two guards, who informed them they would escort them to the outside of the mountain. "Just a minute," House said. "Got to go to the toilet first. Being thanked for saving someone's life has that effect on me."

One of the guards nodded, and left with House to show him the way.

"If you three could follow me, please," the other guard said.

Cameron, Chase and Foreman were about to follow when they heard a scream from the direction the guard had taken House. Soon after that, an alarm went off. "Intruder in the gate room. Intruder in the gateroom." The person on the intercom didn't sound too worried.

Foreman sighed. "Let's go and get House out of there."

-x-x-

"I knew you guys were hiding something!" House exclaimed, when General Hammond came in with Cameron, Chase and Foreman. He gestured at the Stargate with his cane. "But I didn't think it was this. What the hell is it?"

"None of your business," General Hammond replied coldly. "I told you to get out of here."

"I got lost once my guide accidentally walked into my cane several times," House said, still staring at the Stargate. "Seriously, what does it do?"

General Hammond glanced at the armed guards with their weapons aimed at the doctor. "I think you should be more worried about what our guns can do."

House turned around. "Ah, but aren't you supposed to explain to me in great detail what this mysterious thing does before you attempt to kill me? Or does that just happen in action movies?" 

"House," Cameron said, "I think you should listen to the General."

"Spoilsport." House sighed. "Fine. I suppose they'd have to shoot me once they told me anyway."

-x-x-

"Y'know, I really hope Fraiser doesn't need that guy again," Jack said, resting in the infirmary. "I've yet to hear of someone he didn't annoy."

"I don't know," Daniel said, picking a grape from Jack's fruit basket. "He sort of reminded me of you."

Jack glared at him. "I would never annoy people into giving me answers or disobey perfectly reasonable requests in order to figure something out."

Daniel carefully studied another grape, while Sam was fascinated by her shoes. Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow at Jack.

"What?" 


End file.
